New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
