I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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