God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
