Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
