There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
