I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
