My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
