I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
