just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
