Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
