She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
why do cheetos always look like penises
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
