So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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