I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize