Got a toothbrush?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
