I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
