rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
