Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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