Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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