I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
