loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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