peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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