just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We left the knife in your bed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
