i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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