If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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