I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
whose parrot is this?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
