I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
