so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
