So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
