My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
