Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
