Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
