Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
