Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
