i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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