she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my shit smells like andre
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
