Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
