i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
