clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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