someone get that fucking seahorse.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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