Please, let me fuck your mom
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
