wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
