I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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