I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
