do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
