I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
