His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Someone signed my nipple.
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