I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
True strength comes from lack of pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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