I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
