I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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