I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
