Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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