The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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