Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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