I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
