I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
