At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
