Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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