help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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