That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
