I look better un-naked...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
