Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
