They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize