i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
