why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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