Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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