just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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