My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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