The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
