The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
