Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
