i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
