I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize