chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
