I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
